Fear
It sits at the edge of my consciousness like prickly heat
nagging my senses into recognition
I try to ignore it
pretend it’s not there
distract myself with nonsensical thoughts
but it continues to gather momentum
begins to claw at my knowing
sits like an unyielding mass
at the pit of my stomach
brewing discontent
Then there’s Relief
It peels back the cardboard-like cushioning propped around my fragility
opens the shutters to light
uncoils that spring
releases that breath
nudges me forward with more resolute steps
into that next phase of comfort thought
cradling the now with its boldness
I went through an experience recently that sent me reeling backwards through the years to that first time
when my life was surrounded by
uncertainty
and fear
and pain
and loss
and at times indescribable emotions
I didn’t cope as well with this new incursion
which startled me
Why wasn’t I as strong
as resolute
as at peace
I crumbled inward faced with the inevitable waiting
Test this scan that
analyse discuss review confirm
fragmenting my body into shards
that only served to pierce my self-composure
I know that bodies change as they age
settling into new delineations of who and what they are
but just let mine be cloaked in
cellular functionality of the mundane kind
Not provoked to
singular distinction
cult followings
mass destruction
I’ll do my part I promise
Let’s shake on it
old-school like
Better still, make it a blood oath
as cold and calculating as a stake-out
if that’s what it takes to
stay true the course
on this crazy unpredictable journey
